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Literature
The Beginning
He told them, of course. He told those idiots everything, the whole damn story, including the blunder he'd made, and its consequences. Looking back on it later, he realized he had probably been in shock the whole time. It made sense, anyone would have been.
Soph was about twenty years old, and he'd been that way for a couple of years already, ever since the Hoarde had started attacking humanity from the past. Every day that passed, they ate at another day in the past. It sickened him. Those creatures had absolutely no regard for proper time and causality protocols.
It didn't seem to affect anyone else that way, though.
The Hoarde was the r
Literature
Grave Robber's Dowager
The people of this town were just waiting to die. That was Maggie’s favourite thing about it, there was always business. Her husband used to go out at night and dig up someone who wouldn’t be missed. He’d have the body on the table in the basement before midnight. Maggie would strip the corpse of its clothing and its valuables. The clothes would be washed and resold, the valuables pawned off or kept depending on her mood.
Her husband would clean the body up and just as the very first rays of light were creeping over the horizon, a man with a cart would come by and take them away. It was a good living. Maggie and her husband
Literature
[transmissions of a dead girl]
i am the
moon: i am
the silver pill
descending
down
your throat
to weigh down
lashes
into leaden eyes--
i am the
moon: lover
of the dark.
the stars are
all dead in their
twinkling dance--
you'll be safe, dear,
as i am the moon,
with all of their
secrets.
you're alright.
(i am good bye and yet,
you think only of romantic
rues)
i am the moon.
i am the crescent
pearl,
looking dead--
and dead altogether,
i still die.
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"Swinging herself around she looked hard at the chalkboard at the back of the room, written on the board in what looked like to be children's handwriting. It spelled out, "Its yor falt." Now feeling nothing but raw fear Miss Moore tried to run out of the classroom but the door may as well been painted on the wall.."
Wow! I didn't think this would actually get a DD! definitely a
wonderful surprise to wake up to this morning! I am honored!
Wow! I didn't think this would actually get a DD! definitely a
wonderful surprise to wake up to this morning! I am honored!
Mature
© 2014 - 2024 ThatAnnoyingRabbit
Comments172
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Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
I didn't find this story very scary by any means. It just didn't have that factor. I mean, I could have felt something it I didn't get the sense that you tried too hard to make it scary. I've only written one horror story, so I don't have much room to talk, but you can't add a black, smoky mass into a story and instantly make it intimidating. But that's kind of all I have to say about what I felt could be improved plot wise.
The fact that you kept the "kid" naive and simple, even keeping his writing at what would be expected was really good. That's something most writers forget to add, therefore making their stories dry and not as stimulating as they could be.
I also found many grammar problems and spelling errors, but I would be a hypocrite if I reprimanded you on that. Everyone makes mistakes, and it sometimes may take weeks to find them all. A good way to proofread is to read the story about five days after you write it, then check it again a full seven days after. Having others read it is also good, and I see that you have done that. But the best way is to have yourself read it as well as more than one person, because sometimes one person may find things someone else didn't. (In fact, I probably have typos, spelling errors and grammar mistakes in this critique that I didn't catch.)
I'm giving three and a half stars for the vision, because while the theme was, in a sense, spooky, it did not invoke any strong feelings.
Four stars for originality, because the fact that you had a news report in the end is something I don't think very many writers would do. Also, what happened to the "kid" and why he hates science teachers so much was an added bonus.
Two stars for technique, simply due to the spelling errors and grammar problems.
And I would have given one and a half stars for impact, but I tend to be an emotionless people in general. So I'll give you three stars instead. c: